Of Disney Theme Songs

I have been struck with yet another discovery of myself yesterday.

Back Story

Nov. 7. Your birthday.

I was feeling a bit gloomy (which might be an understatement) because I have learned that there is a birthday celebration at your house that night and I have not been invited by you personally. I knew of the said celebration only from Kalbo. He was the one who "invited" me. I thought of not coming because "i have not been invited" but thought otherwise anyway. My point was, we are (i think) close friends, and close friends come to occasions invited or not. (I see your eyeroll there and I can read your thoughts saying "Sige, magdahilan ka.")

Of Disney Theme Songs

So, back on track.

Kux. Gloomy.

While working, I decided to open you tube and searched for a Disney Song. I could not remember which came into mind but yeah, I did that. I sang along with it. After the song ended, I clicked another Disney Song that was suggested by the site (the ones showing after a video has been played).

On my second song, Maye (one of my angels) pointed out something.

"Ate Kux, ang hilig mong magpatugtog ng ganyang mga kanta pag malungkot ka." (not verbatim)

"O, talaga?"

"Oo, kasi nung huling malungkot ka, yang mga yan din ang pinapatugtog mo."

Honestly, I really did not know that. No idea. Zilch. Nada.

I remember something from Psychology class back in college. We were asked to fill out this table that describes us to other people. Your traits that you and the outside world know, traits that only you know, and traits that only other people know. This definitely falls under the latter. I had to have someone point it out to me.

Come to think of it, it totally makes sense. Disney songs take me back to a time in my childhood when I had to worry about nothing. When everything seemed happy. When everything was uplifting.

This, should we say, Kux state may not be necessarily connected to, well, heartaches. I think it's more of a general classification of sad.

Just the state where "Kux is sad". Period.

So maybe the next time you hear me singing Ariel's Part of This World, you don't have to ask.

Melt My Heart To Stone - Adele

Feeling ko kasi kanta ko ito.

Right under my feet there's air made of bricks
Pulls me down turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I'm forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I'm standing my own groundYou build me up, then leave me dead

Well I hear your words you made up
So I say your name like there sould be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Ambivalence

Para akong lintek na baliw na hindi maintindihan kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.

Isang minuto, sobrang lugmok ko na gusto ko nang mag evaporate sa mundong ibabaw.

Sa susunod na minuto, para akong naka juts na sobrang high sa saya.

Ang nakakapagtaka, iisang tao ang nagdudulot ng dalawang emosyon na yan.

Malamang hindi ko na kailangang sabihin kung sino siya.

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na gusto mo nang tumigil pero pag anjan na, go ka padin?

Para sigurong yosi. Ilang beses mo nang pinapaniwala ang sarili mong hindi ka na hihithit nito pero pag niyakag ka... sasabihin mo, sige isa lang. O, e di nag yosi ka padin nun diba?

Ganun. Ganun ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

Pinipilit ko ang sarili kong tumigil na kasi alam na alam ko sa huli, ako ang tiyak na masasaktan. Pero pag andiyan siya, wala akong magawa. Lahat ng pader na itinayo ko (kasama na ang tulong ng mga katoka kong nag g-GK) e natitibag.

Hindi ko malaman. Hindi ko maintindihan.

I guess you're the one person who can make me feel ambivalent.

Cataract II

Must've been a relapse. Or an operation glitch.

Or, the doctor made a mistake. I think I should sue them.

"Give me back my money's worth!", I say in court.

That frigging cataract came back.

And not only with a blurred vision but also with a closed mind and a hazy heart.

Again, that frigging cataract came back, and it came back much more worse than before.

Tama lang na tumigil na akong gustuhin ka.

Nakailang buwan na rin ang nakalipas nang mapagdesisyunan kong titigil na akong gustuhin ka. Ang tagal ko na kasing naghintay. Kolehiyo pa tayo noon... hanggang ngayon. Akala ko kasi nung una may "something" sa ating dalawa. Masyado ata akong umasa sa "something" na yun na hindi naman kumpirmado kung meron nga ba talaga. Yun ang mahirap sa paga-assume e. Ikaw din ang nasasakatan sa huli. Pero tapos nako sa phase na yun.

Binalikan ko ang planner ko. Bungad nito ang larawan mo. O diba? January yun. Ma ja-January na ulit. Ilang linggo na lang. Narealize kong ang tagal na talaga. Buong taon, linggo linggo, ikaw ang laman ng planner kong naging diary. Ang frustration at kilig moments ko with you. Ang confusion na nararamdaman ko. Ang tanong na "Bakit hindi pwedeng maging tayo?"

Hindi ko sasabihing sayang ang paghihintay ko. At least sa panahong yun, kahit papaano e napasaya mo naman ako. Maraming salamat!

P.S.

Merry Christmas nga pala. Ngayong pasko, hindi na ikaw ang hihilingin ko kay santa...